Westword
Westword, Volume XI
By Jay Resha
WESTWOOD – Good afternoon and thank you for joining us! Welcome to Boston Area Driving, B.A.D. for short. I will be your instructor today – Jay’s the name, though most folks just call me Bandit. For your first lesson today, we’ll go on a guided tour of the 02090, and see up close some of the tricky roads and intersections that B.A.D. drivers will need to navigate. Now, let’s hop into Smokey the Sedan and get started. Please buckle up!
We will begin our trip on the highway. As you know, Route 128 has several exits that lead into town. You’ll have to use your phone or an old map to find the right one, though, since they changed all the numbers again and no one who lives here can remember any of them.
And yes, I said 128, not I-95. It’s 128. And Pine Hill! And Youlden’s! And Convenient!
Okay, back to our drive. Let’s take the East Street exit. See those lines and arrows in the road as you come up the ramp? Good. Now make sure you disregard them, and instead choose whichever lane is clear. Then simply go around everyone, quickly swing into the middle of the rotary, then slow down. This way, you can pass the cars in the other lane; cut off traffic already in the circle; and block those trying to get to the next exit spoke. It’s the B.A.D. driver hat trick!
Next, we go north on Washington Street towards Dedham. Right on Elm, then right again onto Route 1 – here we encounter one of the most important liquid locales. No, it’s not a beer run from Texarkana to Atlanta; it’s the Dunkin’ Donuts and Mary Lou’s Coffee drive-thrus, right next door to each other. The key to remember here is that when you are in the Dunkin’s line, stay very close to the car ahead of you. This ensures no one can cut in, and also forms a barrier which blocks the Mary Lou’s customers, preventing them from exiting. They don’t mind, though. In fact, they often put up one finger to show you that you are number one!
Back to the road we go – hey, did you know that Route 1 is the longest north-south road in America? You do now! Anyway, take a right on Everett Street, towards Washington and the bottom of Clapboardtree. We reach the lights. Now, when the first one turns green, proceed under the bridge. Note that at the second light – the main crossing – the left lane is left-turn only.
But don’t let this deter you! Most see it as more of an idea or a suggestion, than an actual rule. So just avoid those going eastbound and down, and take that beeline. Trust me!
You know, clapboard isn’t even a type of tree. And have you ever thought Lake Shore Drive should really be…Pond Shore Drive?
Sorry. Got off point there. Last part of our journey now; up Clapboardtree, past Xaverian Brothers, approaching Nahatan Street. Hark, we hereby rein in thy steed at ye olde 18th-century horse-and-carriage intersection. Yonder are two churches, eight stop signs, some completely misunderstood short chutes, and many of the longest backups in town.
Complete stops? Maybe. “No left turn”? More like “No clue, just following others.”
Traffic backed up to Dela Park? Just cut through The Maze! You won’t save any time, but you do increase your chances of stumbling upon a block party or a basketball game, where there are sure to be many shots taken.
Well, folks, this completes our route! Congratulations, B.A.D. drivers, you have all passed the first test! Next week, we’ll attempt to navigate nasty Route 109 in our Westwood Operators Roadway Standard Ethics class. After that – and surely Buford T. Justice would agree here – our B.A.D driving will be certified W.O.R.S.E.!
Westwood Living? No…thank YOU for living in Westwood. See you next month, and Iook forward to hearing from you any time at jayresha@comcast.net.

































